Tag: mental health

The expression “you are your own worst enemy” rings true for most of us. How many times have we acted against our self-interest, then asked ourselves why did we self-destruct? Why did we say that to a loved one? Why did we procrastinate on that project? Why have we stopped doing that one thing that makes us feel great? Self sabotaging thoughts and behaviors are perpetuated by an inner critic we all possess, which psychologist and author Robert Firestone, calls the “critical inner voice.”

The critical inner voice doesn’t represent a positive sense of self that you can entrust in. Rather, it epitomizes a cruel “anti-self,” a part inside us that is turned against us. It casts doubt on our abilities, undermines our desires, and convinces us to be paranoid and suspicious toward ourselves and those close to us. This anti-self fills our mind with critical self-analysis and self-sabotaging thoughts that lead us to hold back or steer away from our true goals.

Where Self Sabotaging Thoughts Come From

Our critical inner voice is formed from our early life experiences. Without realizing it, we tend to internalize attitudes that were directed toward us by parents or influential caretakers throughout our development. For example, if our parent saw us as lazy, we may grow up feeling useless or ineffective. We may then engage in a self sabotaging thoughts that tell us not to try, i.e.“Why bother? You’ll never succeed anyway. You just don’t have the energy to get anything done”

In a similar manner, children can internalize negative thoughts that their parents or early caretakers have toward themselves.  If we grew up with a self-hating parent, who often viewed themselves as weak or a failure, we may grow up with similar self sabotaging attitudes toward ourselves. For instance, if our parent felt critical of their appearance, we may take on similar insecurities without realizing it. We may feel easily self-conscious and less sure of ourselves in social or public situations.

We can’t change the past. Yet, as adults, we can identify the self sabotaging thoughts that we’ve internalized and consciously choose to act against them. When we fall victim to our critical inner voice and listen to its directives, we often engage in self limiting or self sabotaging behaviors that hurt us in our daily lives. As author Elizabeth Gilbert put it, “You need to learn how to select your thoughts just the same way you select your clothes every day. This is a power you can cultivate. If you want to control things in your life so bad, work on the mind. That’s the only thing you should be trying to control.”

How to Stop Engaging in Self Sabotaging Behavior

Once we know where our self sabotaging thoughts come from, we can start to differentiate from the negative identity we have cast upon ourselves. We can familiarize ourselves with our critical inner voice and notice when it starts to seep in to our thought process. As we do this, we can start to recognize ways we act that we don’t like or respect. For example, if we often feel embarrassed or ashamed and, as a consequence, hold ourselves back socially, we can start to push ourselves to be more outward and open.

Changing these self sabotaging behaviors will make us anxious, because it means challenging deeply engrained, old and familiar attitudes that we’ve long held about ourselves. Differentiating from these behaviors is essential to leading happy lives. In their book The Self under Siege: A Therapeutic Model for Differentiation, co-authored by Dr. Robert Firestone, Dr. Lisa Firestone and Joyce Catlett, we describe the four steps involved in differentiation.

Step one involves separating from the destructive attitudes (critical inner voices) we internalized based on painful early life experiences. The second step requires us to separate from the negative traits in our parents or influential caretakers that we’ve taken on as our own. The third step involves challenging the destructive defenses or adaptations we made to the pain we experienced growing up. These adaptations may have helped us in childhood but, very often, hurt us as adults. For instance, if we were used to being let down or rejected as children, we may have formed a defense that shuts us off from wanting or expecting much from others. Though this lowering our expectations may seemed to help cushion us from getting hurt as kids, this same defense can keep us from trusting or getting close to someone as adults.

The fourth and final step of differentiation asks us to develop our very own sense of our unique values, ideals and beliefs. Once we have separated from the negative overlays from our past, we can uncover who we really are. We can stop self sabotaging behaviors and choose the person we want to be.

How We Wind Up in Self Sabotaging Relationships

The defenses and critical inner voices that we carry over time often lead us to recreate dynamics from our early life in our adult life. We tend to play out negative, old behavior patterns with the people we get close to. We often form self sabotaging relationships by indulging in our critical inner voices and failing to challenge our core defenses.

For example, if we felt abandoned as a child, we may have the tendency to become insecure in our adult relationships. We may hear “voices” toward ourselves like, “How can you trust her? She is just going to leave you. Be careful and don’t let yourself get close to her.” If we had a parent who acted overbearing or intrusive, we may feel easily suffocated by our romantic partner. We may hear voices like, “He is too needy. Can’t he just leave you alone? You’re better off on your own. You just can’t handle being close.”

Our critical inner voices encourage us to act out our defenses in all areas of our lives, but most often in our closest relationships. They often hold us back from getting what we really want, instilling fears in us that we will be hurt in the same ways we were hurt as children. We may even choose partners who play into these old dynamics, recreating past scenarios that help us maintain a negative identity we’ve long held.

Getting to know our patterns can help us to avoid self sabotaging relationships. We can start to act against our inner critic and break from defenses that no longer serve us well today. Facing our past is an important part of this process. Once we familiarize ourselves with our defenses, we can differentiate from self sabotaging behaviors and live a more liberated life, in which we are more powerful and much more in control of our destiny.

Many people look in the mirror and see someone they don’t like very much. They see faults, flaws and failures. They feel shame, embarrassment and maybe even anger toward themselves.

Part of the reason some people have poor self-esteem is a discrepancy between expectations and reality (though this reality is usually distorted). According to Ryan Howes, Ph.D, psychologist, writer and professor in Pasadena, California, “Deep down we’ve all constructed an idea of who we ‘should’ be: how we should look, act, think, feel and be regarded by others.”

Not meeting these “shoulds” can have a negative impact on self-esteem. “When we fail to match those standards, one response may be frustration, anger or even hatred for the parts of ourselves that don’t measure up,” he says.

The Origin of Self-Esteem Struggles

Low self-esteem can result from a variety of factors, according to Celeste Gertsen, Ph.D, a clinical psychologist in Port Jefferson, Long Island, who specializes in helping people overcome self-esteem struggles. “Low self-esteem can stem from problems in the family, societal problems (such as poverty or discrimination) or an internalization of loss,” she says.

It can develop at a young age. “It starts early, as soon as we’re old enough to know our own name,” Howes says, possibly sparked by the desire to get our needs met. As he explains, all of us have a need for “attention, love, safety, affirmation and belongingness.”

We learn that we have some control over getting these needs met. When these needs aren’t met, however, we look for reasons why. Howes gives the example of getting rejected by a friend. Some people automatically assume that the rejection is personal, either because they weren’t charming enough or are just flawed in general. (In reality, there are many reasons for rejection. A person might be “… choosing the wrong type of friends or basing the friendship on something negative like substances or gossip,” Howes says, or it may be simply a matter of poorly developed social skills.)

“String together enough of these beatings and I’ll begin to blame my poor social skills for my loneliness — the beginning of self-hatred,” Howes says.

Why Some People Struggle But Not Others

Regardless of their experiences, some people seem to struggle more than others with their self-esteem. Why? According to Howes, a shaming environment may be one explanation.

In shaming environments, individuals internalize the idea that if they act out, they’re not just behaving badly, but they are bad, Howes says. “A boy sneaks a cookie from the cookie jar — is he told that is the wrong behavior, or that he’s a bad boy? If the message that you are fundamentally bad is drilled in enough times, it tends to stick.”

And this belief that you’re bad at your core colors your entire perspective on life. “Good things that happen to them are a fluke, bad things are what they truly deserve and end up reinforcing their shame,” Howes says.

According to Gertsen, “some people internalize negative events, see negative events as permanent and all encompassing (global) while others see [one] as temporary and don’t internalize the negative event.”

Alternatively, believing that you’re a generally good person who makes mistakes helps you to accept your flaws and work on them, Howes explains.

Thus, adjusting a distorted perspective is crucial in working through self-esteem issues. “When people can take a non-distorted look at themselves, they’ll see they’re like everyone else, with strengths and weaknesses,” Howes says.

Challenges & Strategies to Build Self-Esteem

“Trying to help someone accept that they are OK can be as difficult as telling them what they always thought was the color green is actually red,” Howes says. Initially, it seems unthinkable: “It just can’t be.”

Low self-esteem and its accompanying distorted perspective also can serve as an anti-anxiety strategy that brings comfort. “In a way, self-hatred is a system they’ve known and one that has worked,” Howes maintains. People might think, “If it’s always my fault, I don’t have to confront anyone or feel ill will toward others,” even though asserting your boundaries and being able to communicate effectively with others are essential tools for healthy relationships.

Similarly, for some, taking an accurate look at their limitations and even strengths can be sobering. Since “self-acceptance doesn’t mean whistling a happy tune and feeling great all the time,” Howes says, some people may be wary of assessing their attributes. “Both [strengths and weaknesses] could mean we have some work to do — using our talents or working on our shortcomings.”

When working with clients to improve their self-esteem, Gertsen also runs into various challenges. Clients might lack social support, repeat behaviors that create negative results or dismiss or not appreciate their positive qualities.

Fortunately, there are many ways to bolster self-esteem. Howes helps his clients “gain some perspective and see that while they may have work to do in one area (procrastination or physical health, for example), they have many other qualities of equal or greater importance (intelligence, loyalty, kindness, for example).”

Doing charitable work also can help someone chip away at their low self-esteem, because, according to Howes, “It’s hard to simultaneously hold onto self-hatred when you’re actively engaged in acts of charity.”

He says that it’s tougher for people to rationalize that they’re terrible if they’re helping others, thereby helping to quell negative self-talk. “When people begin to care for others they’re doing, feeling and creating goodness. It’s difficult to rationally say ‘I made three people’s lives better today, but I’m no good.’”

Gertsen says that positive psychology offers many techniques for building self-esteem. She suggests finding people “who support your growth and development,” seeing a counselor, problem-solving what you can change, accepting the things you can’t, finding activities that you love and engaging in them regularly and reducing “physical stress with meditation and exercise.”

The best way of dealing with any fear, rational or irrational, is to confront it. I think this is conventional wisdom. Everyone has the experience of growing up and being afraid of all sorts of things: the monster under the bed, standing up in class, being left home alone, being threatened by a bully, and so on. These fears go away after a time when the young person looks under the bed, stands up in front of class repeatedly, spends enough time home alone and develops the physical skills and experience to stand up to bullies. It is appropriate, however, for young people, and adults too, to be afraid in certain circumstances.  Indeed, we teach our children to be afraid of intruders, of falling from too high a height, of crossing a street against the light, and so on. We also, sometimes, inadvertently, teach them to be afraid in general: of illness, of strangers, of not eating enough or sleeping enough. Some children grow up to be frightened adults. They are said then to be suffering from an anxiety disorder. They recognize that their fears are exaggerated, but these fears persist, sometimes indefinitely, because they do not confront their fears. For that reason, the essential treatment of phobias, for instance, or obsessive-compulsive disorder, is to require patients to expose themselves to the things they fear.

Not uncommonly, anxious people have trouble figuring out whether their fears are justified or not. Either way, they must confront them. If it turns out there is a real danger of some sort, perhaps the chance of being in an automobile accident, for instance, there is the opportunity to take measures that make the danger less severe, perhaps by wearing a seat belt. If the danger is not real– for example, the infinitesimal danger of an airplane crashing– repeated exposure will make the frightened person unafraid–unfailingly. Sooner or later.

Two things are worth considering:

1. As much as possible, the anxious person should try to determine the chances of whatever he fears actually happening. In the case of a cancer, for instance, it may turn out to be as little as one in ten thousand. The chance of dying in a plane crash are approximately one in two million. The anxious person is not entitled to think superstitiously that he is destined to be that one. Anxious people are no more in danger from life than anyone else.

2. Paradoxically, even if the danger is extremely unlikely, imagine that worse case scenario. It is not usually the case that you are imagining death itself; but rather some intermediary catastrophe. Like cancer, for instance. But cancer is not always the end. There is a “well, then…” that comes after “What if…?” “What if I get cancer?” “Well, the cancer you are imagining can be treated.” In such a way, it is possible to desensitize oneself from imaginary fears.

“What if my car breaks down in the middle of the night?”

“Well, then, you can call the police to send someone to fix it.”

“But what if they can’t fix it?”

“Well, then, you can call someone to pick you up.”

“But, suppose I can’t reach anyone?”

“Well, then you can call a taxi.”

And so on.

depression can occur under many circumstances but most commonly is present in these two situations:

Sudden Severe Loss In this situation, the individual has experienced a sudden, perhaps surprising severe loss. This loss may be the death of a loved one, loss of a job, loss of friendship, or other grief process. In this type of depression, the patient can clearly identify what is creating the depressed mood.

Long-term High Stress Level In this situation, the patient is depressed but can’t quite put their finger on the cause, the “I’m depressed but I don’t know why” condition. Imagine running a video tape of your life, reviewing the past 18 months. Look at the stress you’ve been under, the amount of responsibility, the number of pressures, and the number of hassles. In actual clinical practice, this cause of depression is seen more often than sudden loss. This type of depression creeps up on you. When this type of depression is experienced, the patient offers comments such as: “I don’t know what’s wrong!” “I don’t know how I feel.” “My feelings are numb.”

Your Emotional Hurt Can Seriously Alter Your Brain Chemistry 

The human brain operates, much like your automobile, on fluids called neurotransmitters. Just as your automobile has brake fluid, antifreeze, transmission fluid, and oil – your brain runs on these neurotransmitters. Some give us energy, like those related to adrenalin, some control body movements (“dopamine” as an example), and some control mood.

The brain neurotransmitter often associated with depression is called serotonin. Serotonin is the brain’s “oil”, a rather slow-acting neurotransmitter that is associated with sleep, appetite, energy, alertness, and mood – just to name a few. Using the automobile as an example, if we drive our car to California at a speed of 120 mile per hour, running the engine hot for a long time, it would obviously use more oil. As long as we provided gas, however, it would continue to run. Now suppose in our trip that for every two quarts of oil we burn, we only replace one quart. By the time we reached California we’d be several quarts low and our engine would be obviously overworked and overheated.

During long-term high stress, the brain burns its’ oil, serotonin, at a higher rate. The bottomline in depression and stress: The brain burns up more serotonin than it can replace! In the end result, after many months of severe stress, the brain is using serotonin faster than it can create/replace it. Your neurochemical level of serotonin drops and you become depressed.

You’ll know your Serotonin level is low (and depression is here) by the following symptoms: